My Chemical Pregnancy

My husband and I were cleared to get off birth control March 3rd, 2022 by our OB. I had to be on birth control for six months to ensure I did not become pregnant following our complete molar pregnancy diagnosis we received back in August of 2021. We let the birth control work itself out of my system in March and started trying for our rainbow baby in April. I used an ovulation predictor kit and my sister let me borrow her Ava bracelet to track my basal body temperature (BBT) and heart rate. So, we did our thing, we did the two week wait (TWW), and when it came time for my period to arrive...it didn't show. I had tender breasts as well, which is my tell when I am pregnant. My period was due April 25th. I took a test every morning on the 25th, 26th, and 27th and all were negative. Then, on April 28th it finally came. I was really frustrated with my body, because I felt pregnant, but I chalked it up to my body and mind playing tricks on me. I only bled for 3 days (my periods are typically 4-5 days long so I didn't think much of it. I accepted that we were not pregnant and decided to look towards the next cycle. 

The following weekend, May 6th-8th, I went to my parents for the weekend. We had a family party that Saturday and Mother's Day on Sunday. During that weekend, comments were made of my breasts looking large. Yes, I know that seems weird to have people or family members making comments like that, but that's just my family for ya... In my head I was taking the comments to heart because my breasts still felt tender, but I had negative tests and I had my period, so I brushed it off. That Monday, May 9th after Mother's Day I was prepping for ovulation and took an ovulation test. The test was super dark and I wasn't expected to ovulate for another 3-4 days. Out of curiosity I decided to take a pregnancy test and it was positive. (Note, positive ovulations tests do not indicate pregnancy). I was shocked and a little excited. I stopped myself right away from being excited, something didn't feel right to me. I emailed my OB office and they ordered me a blood test to test hCG and progesterone. I went in at 8:00 am on the dot. 

While I waited at work for my results I calculated my due date (January 2023). I figured the 3 days I bled were implantation bleeding and I thought of fun ways I could tell my husband the news. Still I kept telling myself, don't get too excited, wait for those results. It took ALL DAY to get my blood results back. It was 4:30 pm when I was alerted that the results were in....and they were not great. The hCG result was 79 ml and the progesterone was 1.06 ml. The hCG should have been way higher for around the 6-week mark that I calculated. I didn't know much about progesterone levels. I tried to contact my OB office, but they said any message received after 4:30 pm would be answered the following day, so I Googled progesterone levels and discovered anything lower that 10 ml would be an unviable pregnancy or an ectopic pregnancy. I reached out to a friend of mine who had an ectopic and she told me what to look out for. 

I tried to remain calm, I finished my day at work, picked up my kids and headed home.

I cried the whole way home. My 3-year-old son was in the back seat and said "mommy crying?" I said "Yes baby, mommy crying. Mommy is sad, but I'm okay." When I got home I made my kids something to eat and while they ate their dinner I called my husband to explain everything in between tears. He left his shift early to come home and be with me. He tried to keep me calm and said that we don't know for sure that we will lose this pregnancy, etc. When he got home he gave me a hug and I just sobbed. I told him that "I’m sorry, I don't know why this keeps happening..."

The next morning, I emailed my OB about my concerns on the viability of this pregnancy and whether this could be ectopic or not. I received a phone call from my OB after dropping my kids off at the sitter. She said that due to my hCG and progesterone levels she feared the pregnancy would not survive. She said it was too early to tell if it was ectopic or not and recommended I repeat bloodwork the following day. 

So, on the 11th of May I got my blood drawn again to check to see if hCG levels were increasing or decreasing. I went to the hospital this time to ensure my bloodwork results would come back quicker. The results of the second hCG was 65.1 ml and my OB left a note with the results saying "Your hCG is decreasing. This may have been so early and you should have a period soon. Sorry." And that was it. I replied to the note and asked if this would be considered a chemical pregnancy or not and then asked what my next steps would be. I wanted more information. This was a weird cycle for me and with my first pregnancy loss, bleeding is how I knew I was miscarrying. Why did she say wait for my period? Do I wait for bleeding to pass the pregnancy or wait for my period? Was the 3-day bleeding that I thought was my period the time that I passed the pregnancy? I had so many questions. Her reply was "Yes I would call this a chemical pregnancy. Just wait for your next period to start."

"Just" I hate that word being used in reference to what happened and the fact that I lost yet another pregnancy. It was as if she was saying no big deal, just wait for your period.... I could talk at length about the sensitivity training I think medical professionals should go through when it comes to pregnancy loss survivors, but I will save that for a later blog post. At the same time I understand that they are desensitized to their work and they see this stuff everyday. But a little compassion would be nice too. 

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Anyways, I started my period on the 19th (8 days later). From there I restarted my cycle and tracked my ovulation, so on and so on…

 

I went through many emotions in the 11 days that passed from getting a positive pregnancy test to getting my period. Excitement, when I got the positive pregnancy test. Fear, when I told myself to not get too excited. Sadness, when I got my blood results. Anger. Anger was the biggest emotion, why was this happening to us again, why is my body doing this? Then there was impatience. Is this pregnancy staying or not? If it's not, then I want to start trying again. Then guilt for even being impatient and thinking those thoughts. Then anxiety, when I realized that I would have to start the whole process of TCC and then the TWW again. 

And again, I was struck with what we in the pregnancy loss community know all too well… two pink lines does not guarantee a baby in your arms in 9 months’ time. That is the reality of it all. I was pregnant...and then I wasn't. Chemical pregnancies are pregnancy loss and they matter. Don’t let anyone make you feel like they are not.

 

We memorialized our loss by adding the May 11th, 2022 date to our memory stone along with our other two losses. Since I now have a blog and Instagram, I also shared a “reel” to my Instagram account about our loss and I received positive support, which was much appreciated. It is important to share my chemical pregnancy loss story and to recognize that this is our third pregnancy loss in 4 years since we started our journey to have children. 3 pregnancy losses, two living children. The odds are against us at this point, but I am still hopeful for our rainbow baby.