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flower 2018_edited_edited.jpg

This is my picture I took of a flower just lying in my driveway a few days after my loss. 

"A flower bloomed already wilting. Beginning its life with an early ending."

— RJ Gonzales

My Early Pregnancy Loss

My husband and I miscarried our first child at around 7 weeks in 2018. This was my first experience with such a loss and it was extremely difficult. It doesn't matter how far along you are in your pregnancy, a loss is a loss.

 

TRIGGER WARNING: this may be a difficult read as I spare no detail in my experience and my emotions going through it. 

May 2018

My husband and I always knew we wanted children, we talked about it all the time! We were married in October of 2017 and wasted no time trying to start our family. On May 11th, 2018 we finally got our positive pregnancy test! (I say "finally" like it took years, but those 8 months felt like forever). I remember that morning, I took a test in the bathroom before work and was so shocked and so excited I ran down the hall into the kitchen to show my husband. It was a great moment. My father-in-law was in town from New York and we woke him up to tell him because we just had to share our happy news. From the moment that test showed as positive, that is all I could think about, our baby. For those 14 blissful days our baby was all we spoke about, everyday. Who would the baby look like? What would the gender be? What names did we like? How were we going to announce the news to our family and friends? We did tell our close family members and I told one close friend. Yes, it was early to tell, but honestly, I just never thought of losing the pregnancy. Not once.

I called my doctor's office to make an appointment and they set up blood draws and told me my first appointment would be at the 12 week mark. 

I decided I wanted to take care of myself more and eat healthier, I was no longer living for myself and my husband anymore. I was a vessel for this baby and I was going to be a healthy vessel!

On the morning of May 25th, 2018  I was walking my dog before work and I remember gagging as I picked up my dog's caca and I thought to myself that this must be what morning sickness feels like. I even texted my husband and told him I encountered my first pregnancy symptom and I was so excited! Then I headed to work. I had started a new job and it was my fifth day. It was the Friday before Memorial Day weekend so very slow and hardly anyone was there. It was in the afternoon that I went to the restroom and when I wiped, I saw red. Every wipe, more red. I knew something was not right. I immediately called my sister who was a nurse and she told me to go into the ER. The institution I work for is literally a block away from a hospital, so I set off right away and called my husband who met me there. 

I cried the whole time. 

Silently crying in the waiting room when my husband arrived. I tried to remain strong and not think of the worst. When they called us back we had to go do an ultrasound. In this cold, dark, quiet room is where we went. Everyone was so quiet. I looked at the screen and I saw nothing. I'm not an ultrasound tech, but I know what you are generally supposed to see and I didnt see it. The tech didn't say much and she handed me a pad and told me to get dressed and a doctor would come see us soon. I saw the blood on the ultrasound wand thing. It was just awful. When she left I really started crying and I remember my husband saying "Why are you crying? We don't know anything yet." But I knew... Back in the ER curtained room we sat and waited. A doctor came in and said that I was "most likely miscarrying." Most likely? They couldn't even tell me for sure if I was or not?!?! That was so frustrating to my husband. As we waited to be discharged I had to use the bathroom. When I pulled down my pants I saw what I can only describe as a bloody clump...about the size of a small grape. I wish I had better words for it. I took a picture of it and I still have it. In the bathroom there were those cups you pee in, so I put it in the cup and took it to our nurse when he came with discharge papers. I'm not sure what was going through my head when I did that. I guess I just wanted a definite answer and this was my proof? They did test it and confirmed it was a miscarriage.

Once we got home I just felt everything. I felt guilt, I had to have done something wrong. Did I eat or drink something I wasn't supposed to? What did I do? Why did this happen to me? You go from talking to the baby...out loud in the car, in your head...and then there's nothing. You feel so empty, like there is a hole inside you. The emptiness, it's so lonely. All our dreams and hopes we had for this child, gone. We were so happy and then the baby was just gone and there was nothing we could do about it. I felt so helpless and worthless. I was just completely shattered. I remember going home and just laying in bed while my husband held me and just sobbing until I fell asleep and then when I woke up it all came rushing back and I cried some more. In the days and weeks after our loss I was painfully aware of those pregnant around me. It seemed like everywhere I went there was a cute pregnant woman. Like when you want a certain car and you see it all over the highway as you drive. I felt envious and I hated the feeling. 

We were able to start trying to conceive again the next month after my cycle returned. It was hard for me because trying again felt like I was replacing my baby. And then there was fear. I was so scared that we would miscarry again and I wasn't sure I could go through this pain once more. So I decided to do a memorial for our baby. I bought a garden stone off Etsy that said "Every new life no matter how fragile or brief leaves tiny footprints on our hearts" and on the back I wrote down the date we lost our baby and wrote a special note. As for the fear, my husband and I decided we will take it as it comes and go from there. That is pretty much all you can do with things that are out of your control. In June we went on a trip to NYC to get away and see some of my husband's family.

Then August 21st rolled around and we had another positive pregnancy test. I have a video of me showing my husband the test  and I said "it's gonna stick" referring to our baby as if to say "we are going to have this baby" And we did. April 23rd, 2019 we had our son, our Rainbow Baby and then July 22, 2020 we had our daughter, our Pot of Gold : )

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