Fathers Grieve Too: An Interview with My Husband on Pregnancy Loss

As Father's Day approaches, I wanted to take a moment to recognize the often-overlooked grief fathers experience following pregnancy loss. This year, I decided to interview my husband, Alex, to gain insight into his feelings and how he navigated through our three pregnancy losses. Alex is no stranger to grief, having lost his mother a few years before our first pregnancy loss.

Our conversation was a powerful reminder that "we" experienced the loss, not just "I".

Grieving alongside a partner who has different feelings and needs is tough, but understanding and support are key. I am deeply grateful to Alex for his willingness to share his experiences and participate.

Here is our interview:

Q: How did you feel after we experienced three pregnancy losses?

Alex: Our first loss (early miscarriage) wasn't as bad because I guess I wasn't expecting it. It was still sad, but I didn't realize the loss until I really thought about it and processed it more. Everyone handles stuff like that differently. Overall, it was a roller coaster, but it took time for the emotions to hit me.

With the second loss (Molar Pregnancy), after we already had children, it hit me harder. The anxiety and insecurities about whether something was wrong with me or if we needed to do testing were overwhelming. The "what ifs" played vividly in my mind. I started imagining alternate futures that would never be. For instance, if it was a girl, we would have named her Lucy, after my mom’s nickname. We had considered this name when we had our daughter, to honor my mother who had passed, but at that time, we went with Gabi, which we both felt suited her best. Losing those potential memories was especially painful, and the grief was much stronger due to the possibilities my mind created.

The third miscarriage (Chemical Pregnancy) was also difficult. The weight of the loss was heavy, and grief would come unexpectedly. The loss of another potential future was hard to bear. It dragged me down, and I had to fight through a lot of emotional pain. To cope, I kept myself busy by picking up extra shifts at work and trying my best to contribute. The overall experience was hard to process, and I constantly worried about when the full impact of the emotions would hit me.

Q: How did you cope with each loss?

Alex: I tend to bottle things up, which isn't the healthiest, but I release my emotions in fractions throughout the year. I keep myself busy with work to stay distracted, but the grief hits at unexpected times.

Q: Do you do anything special to memorialize the losses?

Alex: Yes, since my mom passed away, I have a tradition where I have moments of silence with classical violin music and a shot of my favorite whiskey. I do this every year when it pops up on my calendar.

Q: Fathers often comfort mothers after a loss. Did this help or push aside your own grieving?

Alex: It was a bit of both. Comforting you (the mother) pushed my grieving aside because I needed to be strong. I could understand but never truly experience the loss as you did. My role was more observational, dealing with my emotions later.

Q: What advice can you give other fathers after experiencing three losses yourself?

Alex: Stay strong, do your research, and understand that sometimes there is no right thing to say. People may not want to hear certain things, so be mindful and considerate of their feelings. Patience is crucial. Stay positive. Life goes on, and people rely on you.

Q: How can men break the silence on pregnancy loss?

Alex: Stigmas are tough to break, especially with sensitive subjects like miscarriage. Talking openly and honestly is key, but you need to know your audience. Each loss is different for every person or couple.

Q: What do you hope men gain from reading this?

Alex: I hope they gain knowledge and empathy. It's important to understand that some men might not see the bigger picture. Having empathy and sympathy for those who have experienced loss is crucial. Be cautious and considerate of others' feelings.

Q: How can fathers be supported after a miscarriage?

Alex: Be apologetic, offer to go for a drink, and be there. Don't dismiss or belittle their feelings. Support them in the best way you know how, but be cautious with your words. Everyone's mindset is different during grief.

This interview with Alex has shed light on the often-unspoken grief fathers endure after pregnancy loss. It's crucial to recognize and support each other through these challenging times.

With Father's Day only days away, let's take a moment to acknowledge the silent grief that many fathers endure. To all the dads out there who have experienced loss, your feelings are valid, and your journey matters. Whether you're finding strength in quiet moments or leaning on loved ones for support, know that you are not alone. This day is for you too – a day to remember, honor, and support each other through the challenges and triumphs of fatherhood. Happy Father’s Day to all the incredible dads who continue to love, hope, and persevere.

xx

-Katie

(Alex and our three children on Father's Day 2023)