Pregnancy After Loss (PAL) Journey: 1st Trimester (Part 1)
I decided to document my pregnancy after loss to show how difficult it can be.
My husband and I found out we were pregnant with our third child (6th pregnancy) and "Rainbow Baby" on June 12th, 2022.
I know some people struggle with the term "Rainbow Baby", but it brings me peace. It signifies to me that beauty can come out of something terrible (aka the hell we went through in the last year with two pregnancy losses back to back).
~Our first earth side child and son is a Rainbow Baby as well~
The cycle that I became pregnant was the cycle immediately following our Chemical Pregnancy from May 2022 and before that we had a Molar Pregnancy that was diagnosed in August 2021. We found out we were pregnant with our Molar Pregnancy on June 30th, 2021. So, the fact that this pregnancy came almost a full year after our loss was kind of eerie to me. Here I am, in the early weeks of pregnancy, trying to remain positive and hoping that this baby will stick, while triggering dates from the previous year are haunting me...
Pregnancy after Loss (PAL) is so tough! So, let's start with June 12th...
3+ Weeks Pregnant
June 12th, I woke up in the morning and decided to take a test. It was as Sunday morning and I was not due to start my menstrual cycle until that Thursday. It was still so early, I was only 10 DPO (days past ovulation). I have no idea why I decided to test that early, I usually only test 1 day before my expected period. I had a few Early On cheapie tests on hand, so I figured why not? I saw the faintest line...I didn't know if it was my "line eyes" or if it was a second line. My husband is not a fan of testing early, but I came out and said "I think I see another line..." I showed him and he agreed, he suggested we take a digital. So we did that and sure enough the test read "Pregnant." We hugged and my initial emotion was excitement...but then maybe a second or two later it was dread. How awful is that? This should be one of the happiest moments in our lives and here I am dreading the fact that this baby might not stay. We might lose this baby too. I tried to hide this from my husband. We lied in bed, our two kids still not yet awake and we looked to see when our projected due date would be (February 23, 2023) and discussed whether or not I should call my doctor and get the bloodwork done. We agreed we would wait until the 4-week mark.
Well that didn't last long.... I asked the next morning if I could go get bloodwork done, he understood and agreed. I was just so nervous and anxious. I am a logical person and I need all the data. So that next morning I emailed my doctor's office and they scheduled me to come in and get my blood drawn for hCG levels.
June 13th - bloodwork results
hCG - 72
Progesterone - 25.52
My doctor left a brief message with the results. It read" Your HCG was 72. Very low. Please repeat on 6/15 with a progesterone."
That was it. That was all she said. She knows my chart, she knows my history and that is all she said...
I wrote back to her "I wasn't too concerned about the hCG as I am so early. My period isn't even due until Thursday. I take daily morning tests and the line is getting darker. Progesterone is really good right?"
I just wanted some good news, my doctor responded "Your progesterone is excellent. We will plan for an US (ultrasound) when you are 6 weeks gestation."
So that response provided me with some relief.
June 15th - repeat bloodwork results
hCG - 158.9
Progesterone - 25.39
So this was good, my levels doubled like they were supposed to. But this didn't make me feel any better. I wanted the levels to be higher, but I was still early. I was so stuck in my head with worry. I asked my doctor if I should get a repeat hCG check, but no response.
On June 16th, I called my doctor's office to schedule a 6-week ultrasound appointment. And they wouldn't let me, the person on the phone said I couldn't do it earlier than 7 weeks. I explained about my past pregnancy losses and my molar pregnancy and they didn't budge, set the date for July 7th for my 7th week of pregnancy.
I emailed my doctor immediately and she made it possible for me to get the 6-week ultrasound. She also said my numbers looked "really good" and said if I wanted to repeat my hCG I could. It just blew my mind. It really seems like no one reads charts and no one really cares to be sensitive to women in regards to pregnancy loss and the anxiety they go through.
Not to sound dramatic, but the anxiety I was feeling was debilitating and crippling. It's all I thought about and I knew there was nothing I could do. I just didn't have a good feeling about any of it. I mean, I had been burned before...
My husband could see what a wreck I was with my anxiety and constant worrying that he said he didn't think I should get a repeat hCG check. I'm honestly so glad that he saw this and suggested I don't. It would just be another number to obsess about and again, I have no control of the outcome.
4 & 5 Weeks Pregnant
I tried my best in these two weeks to just put it all out of my mind. I literally pretended like I wasn't pregnant. Of course, I didn't drink alcohol or do anything reckless, but I continued on with my life and tried to stay as busy as possible. Honestly with 2 toddlers at home, that wasn't too hard to do. At work I tried to keep myself busy with projects and I went to my workouts at lunch time, etc.
The only thing I had for reassurance was my morning pregnancy tests. I have never done this with any of my pregnancies. My pregnancy with my son was a PAL, I took two tests to find out I was pregnant and then another a week later just to make sure I was still pregnant. But with this pregnancy I tested every single day, sometimes twice a day from June 12th - July 1st (day of my 6-week ultrasound). I took 30+ tests in that time. The chemical pregnancy I had in May, the pregnancy test line faded and disappeared. So that lingered in my mind and I needed to test every morning to make sure the test line got darker. I needed that reassurance...and the line did get darker. On June 22nd I even got a dye stealer (the test line being darker than the control line). Testing everyday helped get me through those 2 nerve wracking weeks leading to the ultrasound appointment.
On the same day I got the dye stealer my husband asked if I would wear his mother's ashes around my neck. When she passed in 2015, they had jewelry made with her ashes inside. He said he wanted her to look over me and the baby. It was so sweet and I was honored he asked me to wear it. I felt comfort as well with her near me. After a while the necklace became heavy, so I now wear his bracelet that has her ashes in them as well. I wear it every single day.
6 Weeks Pregnant
Our 6-week ultrasound was scheduled for Friday July 1st. I was pretty quiet and to myself during this week. I tried not to think about the upcoming ultrasound, but of course that was impossible. I kept thinking, what if there is no heartbeat? How will I get through another loss? Will this be it? Would we try again? I wasn't sure if I could handle another loss, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to give up yet either. Such negative thoughts leading up to my appointment. I didn't want to think these thoughts, but I am also the type who needs to prepare for the worst. That Thursday night before the appointment, my husband and I laid in bed and my husband asked how I was feeling and I tearfully said "I'm scared." He talked me through it and we just decided to take it as it comes.
My appointment was later in the afternoon, so I went to work and kept myself busy up until it was time to meet my husband and go to the appointment. In the waiting room we didn't speak at all, I could tell my husband was nervous, even though he tried to hide it. Then they called my name to come back for the ultrasound.
(My pregnancy losses have made me terrified of ultrasounds. The rooms are cold and dark and I immediately think of two of the worst days of my life when I discovered I lost my babies).
So back to my appointment. The ultrasound tech first tried to look for baby via my abdomen. It didn't take long before she said she would have to do the ultrasound transvaginal. (I was so early, I was surprised she even tried it that way at all). When we did it that way we were able to see the yolk sac right away, but I was only looking for one thing, a heartbeat. And when I saw it... I burst into tears. I truly think I had been holding my breath ever since the test was positive. Seeing that heartbeat flutter away was like permission to breathe again. She told us the heartbeat was 108 beats per minute. I had already Googled where is should be for 6 weeks gestation and it said anything over 100 beats per minute was normal, so I felt really good about this.
She gave us a CD with a picture of baby on it and we left the room, when we got out the office, we hugged each other and cried for a bit. My husband was just as nervous and relieved as I was. We were both feeling really great...until my OB called.
Around 4:00pm I got a phone call from my OB. She called to say that she wanted me to do a repeat ultrasound the following week (7 weeks gestation). She said she was concerned about the heartrate being 108, she said she likes to see anything over 120 beats per minute. So that deflated my happy balloon I had been in for a few short hours. We weren't out of the woods yet...
That weekend we went to my grandmothers as we always do to celebrate the 4th of July. One of my favorite holidays, I might add. Being with family in the sun, on the water, having an ice-cold beer, AND fireworks? What's not to love? Except this year, like last year, I wouldn't be having an ice-cold beer. I was pregnant and hoped to stay that way.
(Last year, July 2021, I pretended to drink so no one would know. I had just found out on June 30th that I was pregnant with what ended up being a complete molar pregnancy (My Molar Baby).)
This year we decided to tell my family. Honestly, I just didn't want to pretend that I wasn't pregnant and then with the phone call from my OB, I felt like telling people would at least give me more prayers for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. I am a strong believer in the power of prayer. So, we told them and I cried telling my sister, which I never do. I cried because yay baby has a heartbeat, but I also cried because I was so terrified we might lose this baby too...
7 Weeks Pregnant
I tried to schedule the 7-week ultrasound for a week after the July 1st appointment. But the only day and time they had available was the following Wednesday, July 6th. It would only be 5 days later. So I hoped that 5 days instead of the 7 would be enough and that baby's heartrate had increased like my OB wanted. Again, we went in and the ultrasound tech tried abdominally and found baby right away and the heartbeat again. And the heartbeat had increased to 129 beats per minute! I was so incredibly relieved. See a pic below of baby...tail and all :)
My OB was happy with this and said "Your US looks great, congrats." and then told me to schedule my first prenatal appointment. So the office scheduled me for August 9th. I looked at the calendar and calculated that the next time I would see my doctor I would be 11 weeks and 5 days gestation. How in the heck am I going to get through the next 5 weeks?!?!?!
Pregnancy after loss is an emotional rollercoaster. So many highs and lows...I held my breath again in preparation for the upcoming weeks...