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  • Writer's pictureKatie Peña

Pregnancy After Loss (PAL) Journey: 1st Trimester (Part 2)

Sorry this is taking me so long to document, I am gong off of memory and its been busy with the holidays and getting settled into the new year. Happy New Year, by the way, may 2023 be your best year yet!


Okay so, part 2 of my PAL journey with our 3rd child and 6th pregnancy.

I really wish I had kept a journal to look back on. This seems so long ago, when really it has only been 5-6 months ago...


8 weeks Pregnant

Holy crap, I was so tired. It always amazes me how tired pregnancy can make you, especially in the beginning! How can something as small as a raspberry create so much exhaustion?

Week 8 basically consisted of exhaustion and being irritable. I was so grumpy. I was still attempting to pretend I wasn't pregnant to keep my anxiety at bay and I was so grumpy. Like anything could set me off I swear. Sorry hubby....that really hasn't changed much since I'm still irritable as I write this at 33wks 4 days.

Being grumpy in early pregnancy is hard. You want to be happy, but you are so scared of losing the pregnancy and that makes you grumpy. Why should I even have that fear of losing my baby? It just isn't fair.


9 weeks Pregnant

I friend of mine referred me to a place you can go to get an ultrasound done outside of your doctor's office. So, I decided to do that, just to give myself peace of mine. I was at the point where I wouldn't be able to hear the heart beat on my at home doppler, my doctor's office wasn't planning to do an ultrasound until 20wks and I didn't have my next appoint until I was 12wks. I needed to do this for my sanity!

It was July 22nd, 2022 that we went in for the 9wk ultrasound. I didn't even have to look back on the date, I remember it because it was my daughters 2nd birthday. I was 9wks 1day. The ride over with my husband I was so nervous and I remember telling him that maybe we should have done this a different day, what if we lost the baby and finding out on our daughters' birthday would just taint and ruin this day forever. He told me that I can't think like that and we continued on our drive. He distracted me while we waited in the waiting room by allowing me to introduce him to the game Wordle :)

When I was called back we went into the room and made small talk with the owner of the office and who was performing the ultrasound. And there was our little jellybean/gummy bear. This was the first ultrasound I had ever had where baby didn't have a tail and looked like a shrimp. In the past I would get a 6-7wk ultrasound and then not get to see baby again until 20wk scan. Baby had grown, the heart was still beating, and baby was wiggling and moving around like crazy. It was fun, she took lots of pictures and took her time showing us all sorts of things about baby. It was definitely a change of scenery from a regular ultrasound at a doctor's office, much more personable.

It was awesome to confirm that everything was on track and moving in the right direction and definitely eased my anxiety.


10 weeks Pregnant

See week 8, still grumpy and add in some nausea. Not terrible nausea, just needed crackers on hand so that every time I felt a wave of nausea I would eat a cracker and feel better.

To be honest, I was glad to have another symptom. Any symptom consistent with pregnancy was fine by me.

July 28th, 2022 I was exactly 10 weeks pregnant and decided to try the at home fetal doppler. I would not advise this as its way too early. Really you should wait until 12+wks. I purchased this when I was pregnant with my son and first Rainbow baby. It took some time, but I was able to find the heartbeat. Another form of relief, as now I could check as often as I wanted to on baby at home. My pregnancy with my son I did this every day until I felt movement. For my daughter, it was less. So, with this pregnancy I decided to do every other day versus every day.


11-12 weeks Pregnant

I started to get more energy and didn't have much nausea. Not having these symptoms was nerve wracking but I had my home doppler that I was using every other day to keep me at bay.

On August 9th, 2022 I had my first official pre-natal appointment with my OB, I was 11wks and 5 days. Pretty standard appointment, pee in cup, weigh in, blood pressure, meet with OB and listen to heartbeat for the first time (theoretically of course, I had listened to the heartbeat the night before :)) I lay back and she puts the doppler on my stomach and after awhile she is telling me she can't find the heartbeat...she asks me to stretch my arms up over my head, she asks me to hold my breath, and yet she still couldn't find the heartbeat...She said she was going to check and see if ultrasound could fit me in quick to check on baby. I was TERRIFIED. I had just heard the heartbeat last night at home, what happened? Being involved in the pregnancy loss community you read lots of stories and you know how quickly things can change/happen. My mind was racing. My Ob said that they had time to fit me in, so I followed her over to the ultrasound room. And then she says "If everything checks out, I will see you in 4 weeks for your next appointment..." (that's all she said, very nonchalant). Somehow, I managed to speak with the ultrasound tech and verify my name and date of birth. I just felt really numb. She put the wand to my abdomen and there was baby, even bigger and looking way more like a baby than nearly 3 weeks ago, good sign. And again, there was the heartbeat. I let out tears of relief...I apologized to the tech and she gave me a CD with the two pictures she took. I composed myself when she opened the door and told me to check out and schedule my next appointment. On my way to the desk, my OB gave me two thumbs up with raised eyebrows as if to question "everything ok? baby still there?" I nodded my head and gave her a thumbs up. She asked the ultrasound tech if I had a retrograde uterus? If that's why she couldn't find the heartbeat. The ultrasound tech replied back, "no, it was just you, Doctor" and they both shared a laugh. I was dumbfounded.

I checked out at the front desk and made my next appointment. I made it to my car and I just sat there for a few seconds before I started up my car and started to drive away. I got to a red light and I just lost it. I sobbed and screamed and sobbed some more (it was scary to hear the scream come out of me, it was so involuntary). I think in that 10-20 mins I had to process so many emotions and I tried to contain them as much as I could and when I got to my car it needed to all come out one way or another. It felt like I was hyperventilating and I couldn't get my breathing under control. I just kept crying. I was supposed to go back to work after this appointment, but I drove straight home. It took the whole 20+ min car ride home to settle down. Once I was home I went and laid down in my bed and once I felt like I was calm enough to make a phone call I called my husband. when he answered I started the conversation with "I am fine and so is the baby..." then I cried some more on the phone with him and explained what happened. He said the most important thing is that we were both okay. And of course, he was right.

But I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was so close to hearing those dreaded words again; that our baby was no longer with us. This scare was just another testament to show me that this was going to be a LONG pregnancy. No matter how far I make it, no matter what milestone I pass, the anxiety is not going to go away entirely. Being pregnant after loss, you just never really stop worrying until that baby is in your arms and healthy. And that to me is frustrating.


From this point on I used my doppler every single day.








13-14 weeks Pregnant

Some people say 12wks marks the end to the first trimester. But my sister who is a NP says its 14, so I will go with 14wks.

Week 13, we had our friends from NYC visit us so that was a lovely distraction having them stay at the house and go on some adventures. There were even a couple nights where I didn't even use the doppler. I also shared the news of my pregnancy with my boss and some coworkers.

Week 14 I decided I wanted to share the news on social media. I was really scared to do this, because once it's out there it just seemed more real. What if something bad happens? Then I will have to update hundreds of people. But honestly, I just wanted to get it out there and hoped people would pray and keep me in their thoughts.

Here was my pregnancy announcement:

"We happy to announce that we will be welcoming another member to our family in February 2023.

Big brother and big sister are very excited for another sibling.

Prayers welcomed for a healthy/safe pregnancy and baby 🌈"


All the worrying is so exhausting, it was nice to have people send kind words my way and to congratulate us. After all, this is a big deal for our growing family. I want to make sure this baby is celebrated just as much as the others were.


Do whatever feels right to you. There is no right or wrong way. Share your news as early as peeing on a stick if you want to or don't share at all. You do you! Always!


This concludes my first trimester journey.


Please reach out if you have any questions or need to talk :)

-Katie

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